WINNER: The Church Lady


Dana Carvey's take on Enid Strict, the uptight, pious host of the talk show "Church Chat" is holier-than-thou and armed with a list of alleged sins committed either by viewers or the "SNL" host.

Appeared: 1986-1990, 1996, 2000, 2011

Quotable: "How con-veen-ient!", "Well, isn't that spe-cial?!" and "Could it be...Satan?"

Secret Weapon: She'll take you to task for following the desires of your "naughty parts."

The other contenders


Exotic dancer Mango is fond of tight lamé shorts and pink berets. Chris Katan's creation speaks with a Hispanic accent but Mango simply claims his place of origin as "Mango Island."

Appeared: 1997-2002

Quotable: "Mango is like a drug. You must have more and more and more of the Mango until there is no Mango left. Not even for Mango!", and "You thought what? That I was what? A homo-gay wee-hoo! NO! Mango is as straight as they come!!"

Secret Weapon: Have you seen those shorts and that beret?

Samurai Futaba

Dedicated to honor and wielding a razor sharp Katana, John Belushi's version of the venerated Japanese warrior often finds himself in occupations not suited to his skill set, such as bellhop, sandwich maker, attorney, stockbroker, disco dancer, tailor, TV repairman and psychiatrist.

Appeared: 1975-1979

Quotable: Incomprehensible mock Japanese.

Secret Weapon: Though he often appears out of his league, Futaba uses his Katana to slice and dice until his point is made.

Wayne and Garth

Mike Meyers and Dana Carvey play Wayne and Garth, whose public access program "Wayne's World" is broadcast live from the basement of Wayne's parent's house in Aurora, Illinois. On the show the duo discuss their favorite hard rock bands, "babes," and feature special effects including "extreme close-up."

Appeared: 1988-2011

Quotable: "Party on, Wayne," "Party on, Garth," and "Take your Ritalin."

Secret Weapon: They pulled off a jam session with their idols Aerosmith.


Bill Hader embodies Stefon, "Weekend Update's" New York City Correspondent who has all the skinny on the latest hot clubs around town, such as Scampi ("illegally parked behind the Statue of Liberty"), SPICY ("the creation of club owner/rabbi Jew Diamond Phillips") and Selfieeee! ("based on the novel 'Push' by Sapphire").

Appeared: 2008-2013, 2014

Quotable: "This place has everything: Glass, steam, bear traps, and just when you think the fun is over — knock knock, who’s there? It’s Black George Washington! All that, and a party room filled with human bathmats."

Secret Weapons: His dad is David Bowie. His brother is Ben Affleck (a.k.a. "David"). He lives in a trash can near the Radio Shack on 23rd St. and 7th Ave. He's married to former "Weekend Update" anchor Seth Meyers.

Matt Foley

Chris Farley's loud-mouthed, hyperactive motivational speaker taunts characters with his own failings and down-on-his-luck stories, destroying furniture as he goes.

Appeared: 1993-1997

Quotable: Foley's trademark line is warning his audience that they could end up, like himself, being "35 years old, eating a steady diet of government cheese, thrice divorced, and living in A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!"

Secret Weapon: A shouted response of ""Well, la-dee-frickin-da!"


Created by Julia Sweeney, gender-ambiguous Pat is socially awkward to the point of impairment. Sporting a Western-style shirt and tan slacks, he/she has a nasal tone of voice, excessively sweaty palms, and is self-pitying.

Appeared: 1990-1993, 1994 (movie adaptation)

Quotable: "Sorry if I'm a little grumpy, I have really bad cramps... I rode my bike over here, and my calf muscles are KILLING me!"

Secret Weapon: Pat's hidden gender keeps everyone on their toes.

Hans and Franz

Played by Dana Carvey and Kevin Nealon, these muscle-bound Austrian jocks (a spoof on Arnold Schwarzenegger) disparage others for lack of physical fitness as they strike poses in the recurring sketch "Pumping Up with Hans and Franz," which the characters describe as an "informative training program for the serious weight lifter."

Appeared: 1987-1991

Quotable: Poor little girly-man, alone in his girly-house."

Not-so secret Weapon: Have you seen the muscles encased in those sweatsuits?

Mary Katherine Gallagher

As unpopular teen Catholic school girl Gallagher, Molly Shannon exhibits severe mood swings, stage fright, a penchant for the apparently soothing smell of her own hands after being buried in her armpits, and a competitive streak to marvel an Olympic athlete.

Appeared: 1995-2001

Quotable: "I'm using my telekineses to kill the girl who poured pig's blood on me at the prom," and "Please God, forgive me for not telling Slater that I went to the bathroom in the pool tonight."

Secret Weapon: She's a "Superstar!"

Beldar Conehead

Dan Aykroyd portrays Beldar, father to a family of Coneheads (aliens native to the planet Remulak) stranded on Earth. Jane Curtin plays mother Prymaat, and Laraine Newman is daughter Connie. With the top of their heads shaped like large cones, if asked about their strange appearance or behavior, they simply reply they are from France.

Appeared: 1977-1979, 1983 (movie adaptation)

Quotable: "Maintain low tones," and, "If I did not fear incarceration from human authority figures, I would terminate your life functions by applying sufficient pressure to your blunt skull so as to force its collapse!"

Secret Weapons: Honing their cones: To show affection Coneheads rub their skulls together creating a Theremin-like noise.

Andy and Raif

1990s balladeers Andy (Andy Samberg) and Raif (Justin Timberlake) became a sensation with their hit "D--- in a Box," a holiday song about making gifts for their girlfriends utilizing a box strapped to their waist and adorned with a big bow. The duo went on to produce other sketch hits including "Motherlover" and "3-Way (The Golden Rule").

Appeared: 2006, 2009, 2011

Quotable: Sung: "To all the fellas out there with ladies to impress/ It's easy to do just follow these steps/ 1: Cut a hole in a box/ 2: Put your junk in that box/ 3: Make her open the box/ And that's the way you do it."

Secret Weapon: The hair, the sunglasses, the shoulder pads. And you know what's in the box.

The Wild and Crazy Guys

Dan Akroyd and Steve Martin play Yortuk (Akroyd) and Georg (Martin) Festrunk, émigrés from Czechoslovakia who are socially and culturally inept. They hang out at bars in an attempt to pick up American women ("foxes") with their stilted banter and obnoxious behavior.

Appeared: 1977-1978, 1998, 2013

Quotable: "We are, two wild and crazy guys!"

Secret Weapon: There is no other pair of Czech brothers who cruise and swing so successfully in tight slacks!" according to Yortuk.

Drunk Uncle

Featured on "Weekend Update," Bobby Moynihan's Drunk Uncle usually begins any appearance with a rambling monologue full of lamentations over the current popular culture. An exterminator by trade, Drunk Uncle has a wife whose name constantly changes and six kids.

Appeared: 2011-2014

Quotable: "These kids today, they don’t even leave Santa milk and cookies anymore. They just leave him almond milk and Instagram crackers," and, "Where’s the justice? A reindeer runs over grandma, he gets his own song. Drunk Uncle runs over one nativity scene and he has to change churches."

Secret Weapon: Ability to quickly consume vast quantities of alcoholic beverages and remain able to pontificate on unrelated subjects for hours.

Mister Robinson

A parody of "Mister Roger's Neighborhood," Mister Robinson's neighborhood was far grittier and less optimistic than its source material. Though no less caring in tone or delivery, Eddie Murphy's Robinson is unemployed and often on the run from police for stealing groceries and relieving children of their toy money.

Appeared: 1981-1984

Quotable: "It sure is a beautiful day. Know why? My wife walked out on me. Isn't that nice? I'm so glad the bitch is gone."

Secret Weapon: Cardigans, and a knowledge of how to evade landlords demanding rent.


Raising the art of one-upmanship to never-before-seen levels, Kristen Wiig's Penelope has been there, done that, bought the t-shirt and most likely invented whatever game/tradition/global conflict is being discussed.

Appeared: 2007-2012

Quotable: "My house is a Macadamia nut, sooo...My front door's a big Almond, sooo...Its probably better than your house is...It's saltier, soooo..."

Secret Weapons: Penelope befriended all the Muppets, including Scooter; has cat eyes (20/80 vision); has a salad bar in her car; makes her summer home on Jupiter; is best friends with Liza Minnelli and a tomato; has six children who spoke 44 languages before birth; and been a puppet on "Fraggle Rock."



A parody of late 1980s adventure series "MacGyver," "MacGruber" features Will Forte in the titular role as a special operations agent who must deactivate a ticking bomb as he struggles with his own thoughts and personal issues.

Appeared: 2007-2010, 2010 (movie adaptation)

Quotable: "Well, everday's a workout when you gotta carry around a 20 pound python in your jeans."

Secret Weapons: He's a former Navy SEAL, Army Ranger and Green Beret. Served six tours in Desert Storm, four in Bosnia, three each in Angola, Somalia, Mozambique, Nicaragua and Sierra Leone. Recipient of sixteen Purple Hearts, three Congressional Medals of Honor, seven Presidential Medals of Bravery and starting tight end for the University of Texas, El Paso.